The Ass Book. Staying on Top of Your Bottom - Gay Sex Guide

Foreplay

Before we take a closer look at your ass, we want to look at the cultural history of the ass. In addition, we’ll tell you what kind of ass you have and whether you’re an ass man.

Are You an Ass Man?

The Ultimate Knowledge Test

1. When you meet a man, what’s the first thing you look at?

a) eyes

b) face

c) bulge

d) ass

2. What kind of ass did your last fuck buddy have?

a) apple ass

b) pear ass

c) flat ass

d) I don’t remember

3. What happens when you get fucked?

a) I don’t allow someone

b) It hurts!

to fuck me

d) I shoot my load without my cock

c) It’s fun!

4. What top position is your favorite?

a) he rides me

b) he lies on his back

c) he lies on his stomach

d) doggy style

e) I don’t fuck

5. What do you check first when buying jeans?

a) the price

b) the brand

c) the pants have to show off my cock

d) the pants have to show off my ass

6. How big is your prostate?

a) as big as a pea

b) as big as a chestnut

c) as big as a potato

d) What is a prostate?

7. Have you ever had an enema?

a) No, why?

b) No, but I would like to try it

c) Yes, at the doctor’s office

d) Yes, before sex

8. Is anal sex the cause of hemorrhoids?

a) Yes, the main cause

b) No, hemorrhoids are caused by something else

c) No, getting fucked might even prevent hemorrhoids

d) Possibly, if no lube is available

9. In which country is anal sex banned?

a) Albania

b) Algeria

c) Argentina

d) Australia

10. What exercise is beneficial to your ass muscles?

a) handstand

b) half-squats

c) push-ups

d) backward roll

11. How do you remove hairs from your ass?

a) with an electric razor

b) with a safety razor

c) by waxing

d) with a hair removal cream

e) not at all—I let them grow

12. Do you like rimming?

a) No, that’s dirty

b) No partner has done that with me

c) It’s fun as foreplay

d) I can’t get enough of it

Read the results in the chapter AFTERPLAY,

From Apple to Whoopie Cakes

45 Words for Your Ass

apple / butt / moneymaker / arse / butt crack / moon / back off / caboose / onion / back passage / cake / patootie / badonkadonk / can / pooper / batty / crack / pooter / behind / dookie maker / pressed ham / Big Booty Judy / duffs / thick / booty / entry point / trunk / bubble butt / fanny / tuchus / bum / fatty / tuckus / bumpy / ghetto booty / tush / bund / junk in the trunk / tushy / buns / keister / ultimatum / business class / matako / whoopie cakes

“They Jiggle Their Bottoms“

What Celebrities Say About the Ass

“I had a very attractive ass and people kept wanting to fuck me that way.”

Tennessee Williams, playwright

“They jiggle their bottoms, put their little fingers in the air, and with their little castrato voices moan about what those ghastly heteros put them through.”

Brigitte Bardot, actress

“If not exclusive to homosexuals, the desirous functioning of the anus at least takes precedence among them. Only homosexuals make constant libidinal use of this zone. In restoring to the anus its desiring function, homosexual desire defies anality sublimation.”

Guy Hocquenghem, queer theorist

“Gary Cooper has the biggest organ in Hollywood but not the ass to push it in well.”

Lupe Velez, actress

“Why is it that everything today has involved things either going in or coming out of my ass?!”

Eric Cartman, South Park kid

Ass-ociations

Your ass is an …

ass-et

Who can always play with your ass?

ass-emblyman

What people are fucked by their bosses?

ass-istants

And who fucks the bosses?

ass-essor

What do you want to do with a penis?

ass-imilate

What would you call a penis?

ass-ailant

That your favorite actor is gay is an …

ass-umption

You are able to have sex everywhere in the US, because of constitutional …

ass-sent

What do you do when you see a tight ass?

ass-ess

If you are a European ass, you like …

Ass-ociation football

Last, but not least: To read this book is your …

ass-ignment

Apple or Pear?

The Different Kinds of Asses

Not all asses looks alike. As with dicks, nature has created a huge variety. Age and lifestyle also influence how your ass looks—and what effect it has on other people.

There is no serious science dealing with how and why asses are formed differently. Usually, we distinguish between three types of booties: apple asses, pear asses, and flat asses. These forms have been attributed to women first, but they can also be applied to men.

The Apple Ass

If an ass is considered sexy nowadays, it usually is an apple ass both for men and women. The name hints at a perfect curve of the buns that resembles the fruit. Ideally, this ass is sexy and can be small or have some volume. But however big it is, it’s nice to touch with both hands at once.

The Pear Ass

Pear asses are wider on the bottom and are more reminiscent of eggs than nice apples (however, “pear ass” sounds a little nicer than “egg ass”). Fortunately, this kind of ass is more common among women than men. It is not a very desirable look. However, there are ways to tune a pear ass. For example, during underwear parties we recommend using a string pair to bring the worst pear ass into a nice form.

The Flat Ass

There is one ass that has no curves at all. The so-called flat ass looks like an extension of the back—and you don’t really know where the back ends and the ass starts. However, well-kept flat asses that get a lot of exercise have their fans while flat asses that feel like trampolines because of unwanted fat deposits are never a favorite.

Besides these three basic types of asses, there are, of course, many more. For example, an apple ass might become a melon ass after a couple of years, because more and more fat might crawl into the buttocks. Also other kinds of behinds—like pumpkin asses, wobbling camel asses, hairy coconut asses, or pointed lemon asses—have been observed in the swimming pool or the communal shower.

David’s Hot Asses

The Ass in the History of Civilization

During the late Middle Ages and the beginning of modern times, legends tell of unholy meetings at the Witches’ Sabbaths. This was not supposed to be a funny magic school like Hogwarts in which Harry Potter welcomed puberty. No, Witches’ Sabbaths were considered to be dates of unchristian powers with the devil himself. People observed a ritual similar to those in church services—just perverted to its opposite. For example, in this ceremony, not the bishop’s ring is kissed but the devil’s ass. A devil’s deputy holds the devil’s tail, according to stories. If the devil was satisfied with the ass kissing, he made his appreciation known by a huge fart.

This shows the attitude of church leaders towards the ass. Many women and men were burnt at the stake because they supposedly kissed the ass of God’s main opponent. Fairy tales like these show how much the Catholic Church hates sex. A couple of centuries ago this hate was a lot bigger than it is currently. According to legend, all of those devil worshippers would start an orgy after they were through with their devil’s service. This shows the contrast to the church service, which ends with a blessing from the very top.

However, people also liked the ass back then. This is evident in art: The famous Florence sculpture of David, which was created by Michelangelo in the early 16th century, not only has a nice cock, but a nice behind as well. The cheeks are a symmetrical dream!

Michelangelo was acknowledged as one of the greatest artists of his time. This is why he received the contract to paint the Sistine Chapel in the heart of the Vatican. It was supposed to show heaven and hell during the Last Judgment. This huge fresco was finished in 1541 after seven years of hard work. However, the leaders of the church were horrified when they first saw the picture: There were nudes everywhere—in hell as well as in heaven. Later those parts were patched over. Badly painted clothes were intended to hide cocks and asses.

However, nudity in art was relatively accepted in the 16th century. After the standstill of the Middle Ages, people felt revived and...