The Legend of Naughty Cleopatra, Egypt's Last and Most Glorious Queen - As Related by Herself and Others, Chief Among Them Rome's Mark Antony

A Frank Exchange of Views

In order to discuss a number of issues that have accumulated during a certain triumvir’s dallying in the east, Antony and Octavius are to meet at a country retreat once owned by Lepidus. Conveniently located in a place the exact geocoordinates of which are not available for reasons of imperial security, the primary mansion and the buildings adjacent to it form a structure typical of a luxe Roman-style settlement of the time. The stark interiors are in contrast to the lush gardens outside; the only artworks in evidence are some Greek vases and terracotta objects — few in number, but so expensive as to be close to invaluable.

“Hey Octavius, how’s it going?” — Antony, of course.

“Antony. We have much to discuss.”

“Well, let’s get to it then.”

Antony and Octavius sit down at the conference table — tumblers, jugs of water, tablets and styluses, and little bowls of nuts are the predictable materials — and Agrippa and his counterpart Enobarbus follow suit.

Antony has decided not to complain about the unsatisfactory feast and instead concentrates on the business at hand. “So, what’s up?”

“I have not a few grievances.”

“Well, that’s too bad. But understandable. I don’t know what is worse, the dumb pigheaded farmers who don’t want to support our troops here or those Parthians skulking about in the east.”

“You are.”

“Me?!”

Octavius would not be Octavius if he didn’t know to delegate the bulk of his argument to his subordinate. “Agrippa?”

“While Octavius certainly appreciates Antony’s now meeting him in such free and friendly conference, Antony’s past misdeeds need to be addressed. Acting on behalf of Antony and in gross violation of previous accords, his late wife Fulvia, along with his brother Lucius, not only stirred up Roman citizens against the rightful rule of Octavius as triumvir, but also led armed units against him in the name of their kinsman. Moreover, Antony himself has repeatedly failed to honor the terms of the second triumvirate and Octavius as his comrade: no public stance in support of Octavius and against the insurgents was taken, emissaries sent to the court of Alexandria were ignored or rebuffed in the curtest manner thinkable, and the provision of reserve troops and military materials as well as the shipment of grain and other foodstuff as laid out and agreed upon in Articles 14, 15, 16, and 17 subsections a, b, and d have not been forthcoming or only in a haphazard and fitful manner, even upon express request. Shall I go on?”

Since Antony fails to reply and seems to be lost in thought, Enobarbus responds in his place.

“Speaking for Antony, I most forcefully disavow any culpability concerning recent events in the homeland. It is not upon Antony to enforce compliance with the aforementioned treaty or other Roman laws in the case of an unruly private citizen such as Fulvia if said citizen resides in another triumvir’s domain; in addition, to become party to the conflict in such a manner would have conveyed a lack of trust in Octavius’ ability to keep his own house in order. And, as we all know, Fulvia and Lucius were acting on their own initiative; Antony’s having been the word of war is anything but conclusive evidence of any endorsement or other type of involvement on his part. As for the issue of the supposed mistreatment of Octavian messengers, I can only restate what I have communicated to your office, in more than one memorandum. When in Egypt, we have to — up to a point — do as the Egyptians do and follow the local court protocol; it should really come as no surprise that failure to do so leads to swift ejection from the royal grounds. Finally, it is simply not feasible to maintain our ongoing commitment to Egypt without certain infractions; strictly adhering to SPQR rules and arrangements would lead to massive upheaval, if not catastrophe. There are several reasons why troop contingents could not be met: first of all, considering the extent of the eastern part of the Empire and the manpower needed to control it, there are not that many legions to begin with; secondly and more specifically with our presence in Egypt in mind, it would be unwise to squander the hard-won expertise of our desert regiments by uprooting them to milder climates; and most recently, Antony had to make a command decision to send troops to the Syrian theater to help stave off the worst of the attacks by the Parthians — would you rather have them whistling to the air in Etruria or Spain?”

Although the question was meant rhetorically and Agrippa knows so, he feels bound to defend himself. “There is much work to be done in the west!”

“Which is why, undoubtedly, troop rotation out of Gaul has proven to be so problematic. But let me refute the last of your accusations.”

“Enobarbus, it’s okay.” He has been interrupted again, but this time by Antony.

“Sir?”

“It’s okay. I screwed up. I screwed up and I’m sorry.”

Now nobody is interrupting anybody, but everybody is trying to make sense of Antony’s sudden confession.

At last, Octavius finds the words to express his astonishment: “Well, I’ll say … What do we do now?”

Digging Egypt

At the edge of our terrain we find Stavros, once more going over the notes he took during the morning shift. Just as young as the rest of the team, he is nonetheless thoroughness-dedication-virtue of Thoth personified.

No one has ever looked more beautiful playing in the dirt than our beloved Francesca, a blonde research assistant we had somehow managed to wrangle from the Lower Egypt division of the Egyptian Museum (yes, the Egyptian Museum in Cairo), Hathor be thanked a thousand thanks.

Mary-Ellen, our girl next door (B.A. and M.A. from Northwestern, Ph.D.-in-progress from UPenn), strikes a pose as she once more renews and protects our field of joy like Nekhbet and Wadjet shelter the Two Lands and the Lady of the Two Lands.

Archaeology-as-therapy and archaeology-as-service-in-the-temple are practiced by Léna, Martine, and Bernard as they are with the Great Goddess Isis and the Great Goddess Isis is with them.

We have also been joined by Jürgen and Ulrike, a husband-and-wife team of civil engineers, as nothing invokes serendipity and Bes like an interdisciplinary approach.

Conflict Resolution by Means of the Fairer Sex

We, the triumvirs, in the spirit of intra-Roman reconciliation, reaffirm our bond and brotherhood, and agree to the following package of measures:

1. Octavius is to give his sister Octavia to Antony to marry.
2. Octavia is to bear Antony several children, at least one of which a boy, within the quadrennium.
3. In addition to and conjunction with the administration of the eastern provinces, Antony officially assumes direct responsibility for the Egyptian account.
4. While Lepidus is on sick leave, his personal assets and effects are supervised by Agrippa.
5. While Lepidus is on sick leave, the administration of his territory devolves to the Senate.
6. The triumvirs will endeavor to regard all grievances hitherto incurred between them as null.

   All these agreements shall be binding and supplementary to our prior accords.

   Done at Rome, on the Anniversary of the Republic

   Signed: [signatures of Antony, Octavius]

   Witnessed: [signatures of Enobarbus, Agrippa]

   What Kind of Woman Is Octavia?

   You’ll find out soon enough.

   Prospect of Restored Stability As the Puer Aeternus Finally Grows Up

   The Roman Gazette has learned that the verily august triumvir Octavius has been successful in bringing the loose cannon by the name of Antony back into the fold of Roman partnership and respectability. Speaking on condition of anonymity, high-ranking government officials, while also giving partial credit to Agrippa for seeing through this masterstroke of rapprochement, openly question the veracity of Antony’s version of events in which, as hard to believe as the tales of his own bravado he has been prone to put in circulation, it was Antony who had extended the olive branch.

   In either case, the end result is the same. On an exquisitely landscaped country estate in Brundisium, in a remarkably short amount of time, Rome’s foremost men managed to create what future generations may come to call a Pax Augusta. Sources in attendance tell that though they would hesitate to describe Lepidus as anything other than erratic, dubious in his sartorial choices, and an imbecile, he was unusually alert and a host as gracious as his faults permitted.

   The technical minutiae of this new consensus are secondary; what is of primary importance is Antony’s oath to pivot from Cleopatra to Octaviana, Octavius’ only daughter. Says Ra-Ptahhotep II, an Egypt-born foreign affairs specialist with the East Roman Politics and Society Assembly and the spokesman for the Romans for a Free Egypt: “Much as I have hitherto deplored Rome’s lack of a robust response to the totalitarian ills that plague my country of origin, much as I rue that the head of...