Getting Me - The Secret to What Your Spouse Really Wants

 

On October 15, 1994, I walked down the aisle toward the love of my life, filled with nothing but hope and confidence that ours would be the model marriage. We were two people who could withstand any hardship, rise up over any obstacle. No one in the world got me the way John got me. What could possibly rattle our marriage? Absolutely nothing, I thought.

Those of you who have been married more than two weeks are already chuckling at my naiveté. Even though I felt “maritally invincible” on my wedding day, I soon realized that a great marriage does not happen by chance nor can it be sustained by overwhelming confidence. A great marriage is the result of a lot of intentionality, a lot of communication, and a lot of work.

To begin my story, you must know I married a man who is the definition of selfless. He inherited from his mother an unbelievable ability to put other people first. In the first years of our marriage, he would always say to me, “I just want you to be happy.” I never could believe him. It sounded like something he thought he was supposed to say as a husband.

The reason why I couldn’t believe him was mainly because I am so different from John. John married a woman who is the definition of selfish. I tend to think of myself first, want to accomplish my agenda first, and want my voice to be heard first.

It’s hard to write those words but I share them to say that even when “selfish” marries “selfless,” a healthy marriage is possible. However, it’s only possible if the desire to work on the marriage exists each and every day. John and I celebrated 22 years of marriage this year, so we are living proof. But it has not always been this way.

About five years into our marriage, John and I hit rock bottom. We were both miserable in our relationship. We got to this place for one reason and one reason only: terrible communication. There was no outside trigger that took us to the valley of disconnection — no affair, no addiction, no life circumstance. We just stopped communicating. We were talking to each other, but we were not communicating. I suddenly became overwhelmed by the thought that John did not get me anymore — and this scared me.

On our lowest day, I told John that I did not love him. I told him I would stay in our marriage only because I had vowed to God in front of 200 people that I would. But in staying, I quickly added, I knew I would be miserable for the rest of my life. I have played that scene from 1997 in my mind over and over and even now, 19 years later, the words bring painful tears to my eyes.

After angrily saying those words to John, I walked around the corner to our staircase, sat down and prayed, “God, I am so angry. You have to help me.” It took everything within me to pray those words because I really just wanted to leave. Nothing immediately changed after the prayer. But it was the first step toward our journey of healing and the investment that has made our marriage what it is today.

At this point of crisis in our marriage, John and I were blessed to work with a wonderful marriage therapist (second to Gregg, of course!) who recognized that we were two different people, with two different temperaments and two different sets of expectations unsuccessfully trying to merge together as “one flesh.” Even though our early years of dating led both of us to believe that we got one another, it became abundantly clear we did not. But, because our ultimate goal was to get one another, our therapist helped us learn how to communicate. We were in therapy over 15 years ago, and the return on that investment has paid off year after year in our marriage.

As a minister, I have used my personal experience to help other married women and have seen time and time again that often what tears a marriage apart starts with communication. It seems like communication should be the easiest thing to “fix,” but I know from firsthand experience and walking alongside others that this is not true. Communication is so incredibly complex — yet so incredibly important for a healthy marriage. And what you will find in the pages of this book is that healthy communication is key to getting your spouse.

It turns out that communication is about far more than just words. It’s body language; it’s nonverbal responses. It’s deep sighs and rolling of the eyes; it’s indifference when your spouse shares something that is important to him or her. Whether or not I use words, I communicate with John in one way or another all day long. And it’s in these moments that I have learned how vital healthy communication is in a marriage. So vital, learning how to have healthy communication saves marriages just like mine. And just like yours.

Which brings me to my partnership with Gregg Medlyn. When I first met Gregg, my ministry was centered on working with women who were in abusive relationships. I introduced myself to Gregg, not for how I could help him, but for how he could help me better minister to women who were suffering with pain from abuse. That simple introduction was the seed of an almost 10-year friendship.

What also surfaced from our meetings was our shared passion for good communication in marriage. I heard Gregg say nearly every time we met that the primary reason couples needed marital counseling was to develop healthier communication. I resonated with this because it was exactly what took me and John to counseling when we hit rock bottom. I can testify that good communication saved my marriage! For Gregg, he learned this lesson through a different process of re-marriage — but it’s a lesson he and his wife apply daily to their own thriving relationship.

We agreed that blending Gregg’s marriage therapy background with my theological background could help couples learn how to better communicate in order to get one another. Our partnership in writing this book is a shared commitment to making a difference in how husbands and wives communicate and to help break down the barriers standing between so many.

What makes us unique as authors is the nature of our partnership:

What bonds us is a collective passion to help married couples establish and sustain a healthy, holy marriage. We believe each couple that engages in continuous Getting Me conversations will experience a powerful sense of connection — physically, emotionally, and spiritually — far greater than their marriage has ever experienced before.

Gregg has counseled hundreds and hundreds of married couples in his practice as a licensed marriage and family therapist. Based on his experience and observations, he knows that of the married couples who come into his office seeking counsel:

In other words, only 2 out of 10 couples work to improve their marriage. Those are not very attractive odds! But if you can look past the daunting outlook of those numbers, surely the first question in your mind is: what separates the 20 percent from the 80 percent?

Only 2 out of 10 couples will have the courage to evaluate all aspects of their marriage and commit to each other to take action. Only 2 out of 10 couples will view their marriage as their most important relationship — more important than relationships with their kids, parents, colleagues or friends — and will commit to intentionally focusing on developing the best marriage possible.

Think about it. Improving your marriage is no different than improving your health and fitness. You already know what needs to be done to lose weight: take in fewer calories than you expend each day. You already know what it takes to have a physically fit body: exercise 3-5 times a week for 30 minutes or more. Understanding how to live a healthy lifestyle or how to be physically fit is the simple part. What makes sustaining a healthy and fit lifestyle challenging is actually doing the work of eating healthy and exercising regularly. Health and fitness is that simple yet it requires hard work and commitment.

Most couples fall in the 80 percent category because they do not look at their marriage intentionally. At some point, between six months to two years after their wedding day, married couples slide into a comfort zone. Spouses forget their manners with each other. The person who should be their greatest...