Chapter 2

Sorting It Out

When we started working on this book, someone who had just emptied two houses herself said to us, a bit impatiently, “All you have to do is just plunge in.” The problem is, when faced with a task as enormous and as emotionally loaded as emptying the family home, some people plunge head-first into the deep end of the pool, while others sit on the edge and gingerly dip their toes in.

The way you go about getting started is as personal as the decisions you make about what you keep. To complicate matters, different members within a family almost always have different styles of dealing with the same situation. The challenge is to get everyone to work together in a spirit of cooperation, both efficiently and harmoniously, while leaving room for everyone to deal with his or her own idiosyncrasies.

GETTING STARTED

Having said that, it is true that at some point you do just have to “plunge in.” One way to get started is to divide everything into three categories:

• What you (or someone else in your family) definitely want to save
• What you are unsure about
• What nobody wants, and must go

As you are sorting, these categories can be divided into several smaller, more manageable subcategories. What you definitely want to save may be divided into groups:

• Items for each of the siblings to take home
• Things you want to give to relatives
• Things you would like to return to the original owner (like the painting your mother’s best friend gave to her)
• Items you want to have appraised
• Things that may have historical significance.

The items that nobody wants will be divided as well, into things that will be sold (to an antiques store or consignment shop, at a yard sale, auction, or on-line); things that will be donated; and things that will go straight to the trash.

We went through my mother’s house room by room, and pulled every single thing out of each drawer, closet, under the bed, everything. Then we laid it all out so we could see what was there. Next we went through everything, and everybody took what they wanted. (This was not big or valuable items like furniture or paintings, just the “stuff” stuff.) Then, with whatever was left over, we asked, “Do we give it to friends? Save it for Christmas? Give it to Goodwill?” We decided then and there, and we stuck to it. We put the rest in boxes and took it all away, according to the decisions we had made.

Whether you are sorting through the house slowly, one closet at a time, or emptying the entire house in a week, you will want to take the time to reconsider your decisions as you go along. Given time to think about it, most people find that many items change category. It’s possible you will decide to keep some things you originally thought you’d throw away, but more likely you will find you can part with more than you thought you could when you first started.

When my two sisters and I were breaking up my mother’s house of 40-plus years, we of course came upon things that more than one of us thought we couldn’t live without. After the first few snide comments, we made a “fight shelf” for the disputed items. The “fight shelf” grew into the “fight room,” and by the end of the summer there was quite a stash of memorabilia, none of which had much intrinsic value, but all of which held emotional and political power.

On an early fall morning we went to divvy up the goods, when we were all fresh and cool. We drew straws to determine the order of picks. After each of us had appropriated our first few choices in an orderly fashion, the pickings began to look a little slim. I picked up a very ugly tray and tried to recall who had fought over such a piece of trash. We couldn’t remember! One by one we inspected the remaining items, getting more and more amused by what we had once thought was worth fighting over. We ended up laughing uncontrollably. The rest of the contents of the room went to Goodwill, where I hope they found new owners with as much possessive enthusiasm as we had once had.

Retirees who are moving from a house to an apartment will want to first decide what to bring with them. In addition to whatever furniture and household items you will need in the new place, you will want to keep at least some of the things that give you comfort and that will make the apartment feel like home. Setting aside these items is a good first step.

Don’t forget to take into account your pet’s needs when planning the move. If you are bringing your dog or cat with you to your new place, don’t throw out their old beds yet: pets also need to make the transition gradually.

If you are not pressed for time, you can afford to start small. Clean out a kitchen drawer, go through the linen closet, or empty one box in the attic. As you are going through the house, gather together similar items so you can see what you have. If you have a great quantity of one type of item—decorative throw pillows, vases, or tools—get them all together in one place, choose your favorites, and get rid of the rest.

When we were moving from our family home to an apartment we asked our two grown daughters to sort through their personal things. The older one said we could just throw everything out—that if anything was worth saving, she had already taken it. Fortunately, she was around when our younger daughter started going through the files of school papers and childhood keepsakes. They laughed and reminisced and had a wonderful time. Our older daughter ended up keeping more than she thought she would, and more than our younger daughter.

This is a good time to set aside personal items—photographs, jewelry, important books, and papers such as report cards, diplomas, and letters—in a category of their own. Make separate piles that each of the adult children in the family can transfer to their homes. Also set aside family memorabilia, such as immigration papers, marriage certificates, medals or other awards, and anything else that has a name on it.

You can start by sorting out items that are definitely going to be given away or sold—kitchen utensils, old towels, old books, tools, kids’ toys and games, clothing, area rugs, picture frames—although many families may find it difficult to agree on which objects are the definite give-aways. It’s important to allow everyone involved individual veto power over what can be tossed, and to respect each other’s feelings, though you may want to attach an “okay-then-take-it-to-your-house” clause in order to keep your primary goal from being undermined. In any case, the more the easier stuff is weeded out in the beginning, the fewer items there will be to have to decide on later.

There are many ways to begin the process and it really doesn’t matter where you start. Just start!

My brother and I have had a lot of trouble respecting each other’s territory, as we go through the mountains of things in my mother’s house. Whenever he gets bogged down going through the old tools in the basement, he comes to where I am, agonizing over old clothing worn by our mother and grandmother, and says, ‘Why don’t you just toss all this stuff?’ I really resent that, so then I go to the basement and start picking up old tools and saying ‘Why do we need this?’ Then he gets upset.

CONSIDERING STORAGE

Storing an item, or many items for that matter, is a personal decision and whether it’s the right thing to do for you depends on a number of factors.

We’ve heard many discouraging stories on this subject—about items temporarily stored in a friend’s garage that stayed there for years; of boxes put in someone’s basement that just disappeared; of paying monthly storage fees for years while deciding what to do with certain things, and then ending up by throwing most of them away.

We’ve also heard positive stories about people who chose to...