Mortal Gods

 

 

Glory, built on selfish principles, is shame and guilt.

- William Cowper

 

 

The parental emotion

 

Humanity is eternally growing and improving. We are becoming exponentially more innovative and self-aware. Olympic world records are broken and re-broken over and over again. Technology and healthcare have improved our quality of life immeasurably. Music and art are evolving in exciting and beautiful ways. We are constantly discovering more about the mind and about our universe. Therapeutic methods keep coming and improving.

 

Inside all of us is a power which wants to expand and improve. This force gives us grand images of being bigger and better than we currently are. It’s not there by accident; life has an agenda. It wants to evolve. For this reason, we are born with an inherent grandeur. This is an inner sense of specialness which we can tap into and which can spur us to both create and to become more than we are. Grandeur is deeply personal and spiritual. It tells us we are capable of anything. It is an upward, outward and infinite force. It is our innate creativity and connection to the god realm.

 

Related to this is grandiosity. Grandiosity is one person’s grandeur in comparison to another’s. It is ego based. It makes us want to be bigger and better than other people. It pits us against one another. Anybody who has ever received a first place prize or has been given something for free while everyone else paid knows how satisfying grandiosity feels. It is rising above the crowd and beyond the usual standard. It’s about achieving more and being more than others.

 

Life also wants us to coexist. Unchecked, grandiosity can be an ugly thing. If we are all blindly following our grandiose instincts, we could destroy ourselves and each other in an attempt to rise to the top. Men such as Adolf Hitler and Pablo Escobar had uncontrollable grandiosity. One desired world domination and the other sought nothing less than unlimited power and money. As a result, mass murder for them became ‘collateral damage’. Life cannot tolerate such a blatant lack of humanity; it needs balance. Luckily, for most of us, there’s an opposing force which keeps our grandiosity in check: Shame.

 

Shame is an unpleasant emotion. At its mildest, it’s a slight ache in the chest and a loss of vigour and energy. At its most potent, it physically deflates you – your head sinks into your shoulders, your shoulders slump and your body crumples. It emotionally stunts you – your brain feels foggy and sluggish, you question yourself, you lose heart, you hold back your feelings and opinions. It’s an emotion which reduces your mental capacity – you draw a blank and can’t think or come up with any ideas. It temporarily exiles you from the world - you feel overexposed with a desperate need to hide from others. It creates a dark, introspective, confined space in your psyche where nothing else can enter. It brings you face to face with yourself, where you can see all your flaws and spots up close. It makes you painfully aware of the fact that you are limited and not as god-like as you sometimes feel. It is the parent who tells you ‘no’ and ‘go to your room’.

 

The normalising power of shame

 

This ‘psychological timeout’ exists for three main reasons:

 

-To remind you that although you have the capacity for grandiosity, you are a human being in a human body, living in a human world. Your influence and ability only go so far, and your environment can only accommodate you so much.

-To give you the time and space for self-reflection and to make adjustments if needed.

-To balance the social hierarchy. When one person in a group exhibits more power and grandiosity than the others, shame will cut down the grandiosity of the others to ensure balance is achieved. Alternatively, if a person demonstrates their power and grandiosity and is cut down by another member who feels threatened, shame will arise to compensate. This balancing act is designed to encourage conformity and unity and ensures that the boat is not rocked too much.

 

Shame effectively functions on two fronts:

 

-Personal: Personal shame arises when you envision a particular reality for yourself but come up short. For example, when you cannot afford your dream vacation or if you wish you were taller (or shorter).

-Social: Environmental shame is based on the people around you, such as being too loud and being given a disapproving stare by a loved one or when somebody else has more money than you.

 

If you aim high for yourself and fall short, shame will remind you that you are not there yet and need to improve. If your environment does not tolerate your needs, wants and expressions of self, shame will kick in to warn you that what you are doing and who you are at that moment is threatening to those who you value.

 

Fit in, play nice. Measure up, get it right

 

Clearly, shame is not just about being too big for your britches. It’s about living up to the standards set by the people in your life and society as a whole. Imagine a child sitting with their family, who are all eating chocolate, but being told that they cannot have any until they are older. Everyone is enjoying their delicious chocolate, savouring each bite and sharing opinions about what they like most about it. Now imagine the child sitting there, observing this, wanting desperately to join in, but being told sternly by father or mother that it’s not going to happen. The child will not only feel held back but also inferior. Shame will wash over them. The child will feel the harsh reality of wanting but instead falling short. They will feel the agony of not measuring up to the people who they value. This is a very painful experience.

 

 

Figure 1: Shame is encountered when your limits are smaller than that of another person

 

Figure 2: You will also encounter shame when the expression of your grandeur is not accepted by another person

 

Everybody can recall times when they saw others have it better, and as a result began to feel inferior. A standard was set which they valued and wanted to meet. For example, you may wish to lose weight. One day, your friend explains with great joy how they managed to shed 6 kilograms in the last month. You instantly start looking inside yourself to consider how far you are with your weight loss. Your reality narrows down, and you start to think about what you can do to achieve the same thing. You blurt out something like ‘Yes, I’m signing up for the gym soon. My target is 10 kilograms by the end of the year’. Your shame has kicked in.

 

The more you look at it, the more you see how shame aims to bind society together. Depending on the situation, it will either cut you down or spur you to grow and improve. It doesn’t want every person to walk around believing they are royalty nor does it want people to fall too far behind the pack. It wants the herd to achieve balance and harmony, to behave according to the rules and to live up to the standards set by others. It wants us to do what the majority are doing; to act, feel and behave like other human beings.

 

Shame activates in countless ways. For example:

 

Scenario

Shame reaction

Your colleagues are socialising together and you’re sitting alone

“I feel like a freak sitting alone”

You’re laughing uncontrollably, until your mother or father gives you a sharp stare and tells you to stop

Your excitement drops. “I should act civil and respect that others are threatened/annoyed by commotion.”

A group of people are sitting together laughing, and you and your friends are sitting there quietly.

“They’re having fun, why aren’t we?”

You see a poster of a supermodel and start comparing yourself to her/him

“I’m just an ordinary person, look how amazing they are”

A friend tells you about their spectacular weekend socialising and drinking, then asks you what you did, which you answer “Just had lunch with the family and watched television”

You question your social life. “Look how much fun everyone else having. My life is boring”

You tell your parent with great excitement about your new job promotion, but they don’t react with much enthusiasm

Your enthusiasm and excitement drops measurably and you begin to question how great your promotion really is.

 

Right or wrong, shame wants us to fall into line. It tells us that we don’t measure up and we should improve/adapt in order to fit in. It says we’ve gone too far and that we need to tone things...